Holy shit, what a rough night. School was okay, but annoying because when i went to drop one of my classes for another, the old teacher got super pissed, and hates me now. Why is it that i care so much about teacher's opinions on me. They're honestly no better than i am. We're all equal and it really shouldn't matter rather they like me or not. I am who i am. I respect teachers, and i give them respect until they give me a reason not to. What comes around goes around, karma. People don't understand that sometimes. Karma will bite you in the ass. Rather it's 1 day from now or 10 years.
I'm annoyed. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who BLOW OFF PLANS. I'm not really a go with the flow kind of a person, my stress level is too high for that. I like to plan things and keep it organized, otherwise my brain goes tick tick tick tick until the problem is solved. OCD? possibly, but doubtful.
First my one friend blows off my birthday party for the end of the week, claiming something came up. That's fine,i trust her and whatever it was she claimed was out of her control. That's cool, i'm not mad at her i'm just disappointed. I really wanted her there. Then, my other friend has some job orientation to go to. I'm a little annoyed at this because her work called her just today tell her to come in the following day, she knew about my party for weeks, and now that something comes up a day before shes probably going to blow me off (shes trying to get the shift switched) Now i understand this isn't her fault, and again i really am not mad at her, im more mad at her work, you have to give people notice! I hope she can get it off, i really want her there too.
Tomorrow is my actual bday, my friend is supposed to come to my grandmothers house with me, and my poor nana i love her to bits is expecting her. Now she doesn't want to go because it will be awkward. This drives me crazy. I can understand that emotional part of not wanting to be there because she doesn't know anybody, but if she didn't want to come, she shouldn't have said so in the first place. I was looking forward to having her there with my family, and now, no.
And to end all the perfect friend drama i wanted to make plans to hang with an old friend in a week or so. Her parents hate me because of some stupid things i got into over the past year, people change, and people learn. I guess i just dont belong in that category. Being the little mama's girl that she is, and the goody two shoes, she cant hang out with me. It's bs. I hate how she's always "im here for you," "whats wrong hun, text me!" "hey! i miss you!" well you know what no, clearly you dont, and clearly i've been living in a distorted lie because we're obviously not friends anymore, and it's been like this for a while! Nothing seems to matter.
I'm so frustrated. I keep thinking like why do i even look forward to things when its all so pointless anyways. I sat on break at work today thinking, "why dont i just end this" i always think that, i honestly at times feel like nobody would give a shit, and the one or two who would, they'd move on. Yes it's selfish, but questionnably, it's like the only answer. Now does this mean im going to go end this post and kill myself? well no. I'm only stating that the option runs through my head a lot. Everyone needs to feel loved, and lately i keep questionning where is the love?
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