Just blowing off steam. ((Y))

Holy shit, what a rough night. School was okay, but annoying because when i went to drop one of my classes for another, the old teacher got super pissed, and hates me now. Why is it that i care so much about teacher's opinions on me. They're honestly no better than i am. We're all equal and it really shouldn't matter rather they like me or not. I am who i am. I respect teachers, and i give them respect until they give me a reason not to. What comes around goes around, karma. People don't understand that sometimes. Karma will bite you in the ass. Rather it's 1 day from now or 10 years.

I'm annoyed. One of my biggest pet peeves is people who BLOW OFF PLANS. I'm not really a go with the flow kind of a person, my stress level is too high for that. I like to plan things and keep it organized, otherwise my brain goes tick tick tick tick until the problem is solved. OCD? possibly, but doubtful.

First my one friend blows off my birthday party for the end of the week, claiming something came up. That's fine,i trust her and whatever it was she claimed was out of her control. That's cool, i'm not mad at her i'm just disappointed. I really wanted her there. Then, my other friend has some job orientation to go to. I'm a little annoyed at this because her work called her just today tell her to come in the following day, she knew about my party for weeks, and now that something comes up a day before shes probably going to blow me off (shes trying to get the shift switched) Now i understand this isn't her fault, and again i really am not mad at her, im more mad at her work, you have to give people notice! I hope she can get it off, i really want her there too.

Tomorrow is my actual bday, my friend is supposed to come to my grandmothers house with me, and my poor nana i love her to bits is expecting her. Now she doesn't want to go because it will be awkward. This drives me crazy. I can understand that emotional part of not wanting to be there because she doesn't know anybody, but if she didn't want to come, she shouldn't have said so in the first place. I was looking forward to having her there with my family, and now, no.

And to end all the perfect friend drama i wanted to make plans to hang with an old friend in a week or so. Her parents hate me because of some stupid things i got into over the past year, people change, and people learn. I guess i just dont belong in that category. Being the little mama's girl that she is, and the goody two shoes, she cant hang out with me. It's bs. I hate how she's always "im here for you," "whats wrong hun, text me!" "hey! i miss you!" well you know what no, clearly you dont, and clearly i've been living in a distorted lie because we're obviously not friends anymore, and it's been like this for a while! Nothing seems to matter.

I'm so frustrated. I keep thinking like why do i even look forward to things when its all so pointless anyways. I sat on break at work today thinking, "why dont i just end this" i always think that, i honestly at times feel like nobody would give a shit, and the one or two who would, they'd move on. Yes it's selfish, but questionnably, it's like the only answer. Now does this mean im going to go end this post and kill myself? well no. I'm only stating that the option runs through my head a lot. Everyone needs to feel loved, and lately i keep questionning where is the love?

Control

"Throw dirt on me, and grow a wild flower,"

disrespect me - society fails.
control yourself, control your emotions
locked in a cage, of failed proportions.
shut up, put your words on mute
stop talking, settle your dispute
run along,
side of the dark, catch your fall
one remark.

It's Like Everywhere I Look, I'm reminded...

of how lonely I am. Call it desperate, call it pathetic, call it what you want but it wont answer to you. I'm so sick of being alone waking up to noone and knowing that it's not going to change anytime soon. When I'm tired I get minor physical tourettes, and I hate it. No not because its wierd or awkward, but because everytime I twitch I'm reminded of the empty spaces next to me.

I only wish that one person would give me a chance, everyone's caught up on the physical attritubes of one another. Yes, I agree that there needs to be some physical attraction for it to work, but why does it always seem to work that the beautiful match up with the beautiful? Everyone's interpretation is beautiful, that's the problem.

I just want to hold someone, for someone to hold me. Take my hand on those days where we all become insecure, hug me tight when i feel like i'm falling apart. I could be amazing in a relationship, if only given that opportunity.

I know i'm not alone here, we all just need somebody to love, it's in our souls.

The Rush and The Constant Clock of Life Ticking Away In Cresendo's

"Is anybody out there, it feels like i'm talkin 2 myself, noone seems to know my struggle and everything i come from, can anybody hear me here, i guess i keep talkin to myself, it feels i'm going insane, am i the one who's crazy here?" Talkin 2 Myself - Eminem ft. Kobe
-To those who have never listened to Eminem, or feel he never raps of anything relevant, i suggest giving him a chance. He always seems to have something to say that we could relate to each day.

Got home from work not too long ago, I'm a highschool student working in drivethru at a coffee shop. Working there gives you some insight into society. Most people are rude, selfish and focussing solely on themselves and what needs to be done that day/night, the rush and the constant clock of life ticking away in cresendo's. It often makes me shake my head, what is this.. does a thank you take too much time from the schedual? Would driving slow hurt you for only one moment, would you be devastated to take one step forward and two back? It's always the people who smile and are polite to you that make you think "well maybe there's some hope afterall."

We're all stuck in a disease..
cause: time.
symptoms: ignorance, selfishness, inability to focus, lack of respect, mental breakdowns, increased stress and many more.
cure: stop checking your watch.

Nobody works for free.., which is the best part of the problem. Because the best things in life are free. There are a few really pure things in life. I choose nature, and in the chaos of the city, you can look at a nature and recognize its purity. Time and money are irrelevant.

My favourite thing to do, is on a sunny day truly look at nature. The grass, a flower, a tree, a leaf. Think about the colours, the biology of it, how does something so heavy hold itself up simply by roots? How of all the colours does it come green? Why do roses have thorns? Focus on the way it collects and reflects sunlight. Write a poem about it, then think of the tree that fell that gave you the right to write those words. Breathe the air, and thank it all for making the chemicals we produce a little less toxic.

My favourite time of year is here, Autumn. The colours are something of a miracle. I live by an escarpment, and with a little imagination, determination, and inspiration, it can look like you're living in a variety of of a crayon box. I havn't seen too many leaves changing yet, but the time is coming. The weather is getting cooler which I love, and you can feel the days getting shorter. A year ago, I would start getting really sad, because i knew winter was coming. Winter meant snow, cold, and ugly weather. I'm thinking about it now, and I think i might enjoy it this year. Winter can be beautiful. Snow is uniquely incredible for it spreads like fire across the earth with grace and beauty. The best part of nature is that it gives without take. For this reason alone it stands above us, all around us and over us.

The secret to the crazy life, is to find that one pure escape and indulge yourself in it, crave it and surround it around you. Respect it and love it. Hold it and watch for it, make it everything rather than something, and enjoy all that it gives back to you. Find your escapism and on those hard days, where you feel like you have nothing left, where everything seems like too much, you'll have it to fall on, and it will be there, with open arms, assured. <3